Some humour to lighten your day

These jokes are off topic. However, given that the value of our homes, superannuation and net-worth have all dropped dramatically over the past twelve months, thanks to the systemic corruption of so many investments bankers and other large corporations, the jokes I received by email today from our financial adviser (who is also a friend) are perhaps more relevant to my blog than you might initially believe...

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap shares are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. Question: What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in the casino and an investment banker? Answer: A tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria - if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

New Share Market Terms

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellry.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who should be now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.

Privacy screens and fencing

Timber batten screening is currently very popular for both fencing and privacy screen applications. It looks great but it does have some pitfalls. There are other options on the market that look just as good, are much more durable and do not cost as much.

Timber battens need to be maintained; either oiled or painted every 6 months. Timber battens can also be subject to wood rot if located in a shaded or wet environment. Most timber is also in danger of termite attack unless it is chemically treated or is made from termite resistant timber such as Cypress Pine.

Timber battens made from treated pine will not meet bushfire requirements for dwellings requiring level 2 or 3 construction, unless they are coated with a fire retardant paint. If you like the oiled batten look the timber will need to be a naturally fire retardant species such a Merbau. You can get a full fire retardant timber list from the rural fire service. Note: these timbers cost around five times as much as treated timber but they look sensational and they will meet level 2 and 3 requirements, but not 'flame zone' level.


The other option: Powder coated aluminium fencing and screening is finding a niche market with people who require a more versatile product.

Powder coated aluminium (PCA) battens are low maintenance and will only require a wash down every now and then to keep them looking great for years.

In bushfire prone areas PCA battens are one of the very few products that will comply with 'flame zone' requirements.

There is a standard colour range but you can have any colour you want if you are happy to pay a little more; this allows you to match-up with existing colours of your home.

Asset Fencing on the Central Coast (for example) supplies a fantastic range of low maintenance aluminium and glass products and they can supply both residential and commercial projects. Asset Fencing can also produce custom designed products. Their standard products include all types of powder coated aluminium privacy screens, gates, balustrades, frameless & semi-frameless glass pool fencing and rails.